


are you tired, are you weary of the heavy hate you've been holding

by brahe



Series: the heart that holds it [3]
Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Angst, Blind Kanan Jarrus, Family Feels, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Malachor, Post-Season 2, communication is key yall, im so, its p emotional, kanan loves his son so much, pt 2 of ezra's season 3 haircut, season 3?, talk about their feelings, then hug it out, they kind of fight, ultra space dad kanan, who knows - Freeform, wow another hair cut fic, wow look this isn't posted at 1am what a concept
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-06
Updated: 2018-03-06
Packaged: 2019-03-27 21:34:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13889574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brahe/pseuds/brahe
Summary: He stands back up straight, squares his shoulders and stares at the mirror a moment longer, before turning away and walking out the door -Straight into Kanan.Ezra blinks, gapes for a moment, then backs up a little, steps to the side."Sorry," he mutters, hardly audible, sliding around Kanan so he can escape down the hall and to his room, but Kanan's faster, gets a hand tight around Ezra's arm, holds him in place."Not so fast."or,Kanan finds out about Ezra's haircut.





	are you tired, are you weary of the heavy hate you've been holding

**Author's Note:**

> ahahaha im back with anOTHER haircut fic will i ever stop
> 
> (the answer is no)
> 
> this kind of directly follows "there are rhymes and there are reasons" with ezra's new short hair, which kanan finds out about. also lowkey an au bc they don't really reconcile until the caves like...into season 3, and this is some nebulous time period probably before that? who knows. everything i write for this show is 110% hella self indulgent, so...whatevs. 
> 
> also my hair fics are now a series! yay wow amazing check it out
> 
> for inconocible, bc im sad and ur sad and ily and maybe this soft dad kanan will make u feel better

Nobody mentions the haircut - he's not sure if he's relieved or disappointed about it, half glad he doesn't have to explain it to Hera but half wondering if maybe she doesn't care anymore. He wouldn't blame her, not really, but it's another weight on the stack he's carrying, more reason for the sag in his shoulders.

He doesn't see it himself until a day or so after, has kind of avoided looking at it for as long as he can. He's in the 'fresher, now, the mirror on the wall next to him, waiting, waiting - 

It's _short._ Essentially a buzz cut, the strands maybe an inch long. He runs a hand over it, still not quite used to the way it feels, and stares. It's different, shorter than he's ever had it in his life, and it makes him look older, much older. Makes the scars on his cheek more visible, the tense set of his face more pronounced. He kind of hates it, if he's being honest with himself - he barely recognizes the person looking back at him.

_Isn't that what you wanted?_ a part of him thinks, and hatred swells so strong and quick that he loses his breath, grips the sides of the sink to steady himself.

When he looks back up, back at this stranger, he shoves down the _shockangersadness_ and tells himself to accept it, accept this new reflection, because this is who he is, now.

He stands back up straight, squares his shoulders and stares at the mirror a moment longer, before turning away and walking out the door - 

Straight into Kanan.

Ezra blinks, gapes for a moment, then backs up a little, steps to the side.

"Sorry," he mutters, hardly audible, sliding around Kanan so he can escape down the hall and to his room, but Kanan's faster, gets a hand tight around Ezra's arm, holds him in place. 

"Not so fast," he says, stern, voice tense, and Ezra stomach drops, his heart shatters, and he thinks, _this is it_.

"What's going on?"

"Look, I get it, you don't have to - what?"

Ezra looks at him, brows furrowed. He was so certain Kanan was here to kick him out, and yet...

"What do you mean, what's going on?" 

Kanan's frowning, a deep, concerned thing that creases his forehead. "I mean, with you, what's wrong? You - through the bond, I felt..."

Oh. "It's nothing," Ezra says, too quick, tugs a little at the arm Kanan's still got a grip on. "I'm fine."

For a brief moment, Kanan debates taking the out, debates letting Ezra go and continuing to pretend nothing's wrong - but he's tired, so tired of this ache in his chest, so he tugs Ezra back, instead, refusing to give up this time.

“No,” he says, “stop lying to me.”

“I’m not - "

“Yes, you are!” Ezra flinches and Kanan sighs, tells himself to calm down. “You think I haven’t noticed these last weeks? You’ve been so closed off, practically cut me out entirely, and on the rare times you let your guard down all I can feel is - is _anger_. What’s going on with you?”

Ezra yanks his arm out of Kanan’s grip but doesn’t leave, crosses his arms and glares at him. “Fine! You want to know what’s wrong? I can’t sleep. I can’t - every time I turn around the dark side is right behind me, the stupid holocron _whispering_ at me. Nightmares, too, I can’t stop seeing Ahsoka, Vader, Maul, _you_ \- “ His voice breaks there, cracks under the weight of his emotions, and he’s crying for the first time since that shuttle ride back, a gate held shut too long suddenly open. “You hate me now, you can barely be in the same _room_ as me, and I don’t - " He cuts off, choking on his tears, angrily wipes at his face but can’t collect himself enough to keep going.

“Well, I've had some things to figure out for myself, lately,” Kanan tells him, clipped and frustrated. “And I was trying to give you some space. You always ran away whenever I showed up, and you cut off our bond, so I just thought - "

What _did_ he think? That Ezra didn’t need him anymore? Didn’t want to train with someone who couldn’t see? Didn’t, didn’t,  _didn’t_. 

Ezra falls back against the wall with a thud, hands over his face, and he's gasping, trying to get a breath, didn't expect to be so upset but he can't _stop_ crying. Kanan hates him, hates him, hates him, hates him, and any minute now he's going to - 

Kanan's hands fall heavy and clumsy on Ezra's shoulders, searching a little before curling into his shirt, shaking him a little.

"-ra. Ezra! Listen to me!"

Ezra tries to get control of himself, looks up at Kanan, and that was a mistake. Those white, sightless eyes look back at him and he's reminded of everything he did wrong, everyone he failed, every mistake - 

"Ezra!" Kanan shouts, loud enough to make Ezra jump, but it gets him out of his head. "Ezra, Ezra, stop, just breathe, come on," Kanan's telling him, hands alternating between holding his shoulders and cupping his face. "Breathe with me," Kanan says, and Ezra listens, times his breaths with Kanan and gets his lungs back under control. His vision's blurry and his ribs ache, but he's back in the moment. 

"That's it," Kanan says, rubs his thumb over Ezra's cheekbone, under his eye. "Just breathe, kiddo," he says, and he moves his hand up to run through Ezra's hair, stopping still when his hand meets short, buzzed hair instead of the soft, long bangs he had been expecting. 

"Ezra?" he asks, and Ezra panics for a moment, wondering what else he's done wrong, until he remembers - 

"Oh, yeah," he says, sniffling, voice changed by his stuffed nose. "I had Sabine cut my hair?"

"You..." Kanan rubs his hand around Ezra's head. "It's short." 

"Yeah." 

"Why'd you cut it?" Kanan asks, and just like that they're back where they were, the rush of emotions a torrent over Ezra and their bond, the barriers Ezra had been keeping up long fallen away. 

“I thought - “ Ezra starts, takes a breath. “I thought maybe it’d help me feel better,” he says. Kanan runs his hands over Ezra’s hair again, silent for a moment, before he pulls Ezra to him, wraps an arm around his back and cups the back of his head, holds Ezra to his chest.

“I’m sure it looks great,” Kanan says quietly, and Ezra makes a sound, somewhere between a laugh and a sob, because, _does it?_  He clutches at Kanan, presses further into him.

“I’m sorry,” he says, crying a damp spot into Kanan’s shirt. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so - _so sorry,_ it’s all my fault, _I’m sorry_ \- "

Ezra’s guilt spreads over Kanan like a wildfire, burning and powerful and so, _so_ much. Kanan tightens his arm, rubs his thumb against the back of Ezra’s neck, rests his forehead on the top of Ezra’s head. “Shh, it’s okay,” he says, soft, pushing as much comfort through their bond as he can. “It’s okay, it’s okay, I’m sorry, too.” And he is, sorry it took him this long to confront Ezra about this, sorry he had closed himself off, too, sorry to have abandoned Ezra like he did. Because he did, really, left him alone and let them each deal with their emotions on their own when they should have faced it together, like family.

“I don’t blame you,” Kanan tells him, “I swear I don’t. I could never.” He squeezes his eyes shut, tries to will away the burning sensation that comes now instead of tears.

“But you - but I - “ Ezra tries, chokes.

“Hush,” Kanan says, "I don’t hate you. I love you, I love you so much, kiddo.”

Ezra’s still shaking in his arms, and he holds him a little tighter, wishing they weren’t standing in the middle of the hall outside the ‘fresher, wishing he hadn’t let Ezra carry this alone for so long.

“Love you, too,” Ezra tells him, muffled into Kanan’s shirt and shaky through his tears, but it’s such a relief to say, such a relief to hear. He deflates a little, sags into Kanan, the comfort of his arms around him and his heartbeat under his cheek something he thought he’d lost for good. 

“I’m scared,” Ezra admits. He’s tired and so afraid, terrified that he’ll lose the fight against the dark, that he’ll give in. “I don’t want to be a sith.”

Kanan presses a kiss to the top of his head. “You won’t be,” he says, and he sounds so certain. “You’re so strong, so _good_.” He takes a breath, struggles to calm his own fears. “We’ll get through it together, okay?”

That’s the only way they’ll be able to, he realizes now. They’re both haunted, fighting, afraid - they have to do this together. 

“Yeah,” Ezra nods, sniffles, steps back enough to look up at Kanan. Kanan keeps his hand on the back of Ezra’s neck, leans down to press their foreheads together. The road in front of them is long and dark and troubling, but _together_ -

Together, they’ll get through it.

 

**Author's Note:**

> listen.....  
> all i'm gonna say about the finale is i'm Disappointed. pls don't mention super spoilers in the comments to save those who haven't seen it!!


End file.
